Losing two babies back to back was such a hard thing to go through. Eric and I had been married 2 months when we found out we were pregnant with Gunnar and we were so excited. A few months later the wind was taken out of our sails when we lost him. Nine months later we were pregnant again and we went through the same process of grief when we lost Ruger. Nine months later again when we found out we were pregnant with this little boy, we were both nervous and anxious but in a way, I was hoping that by carrying this pregnancy to term, maybe it would take away the pain of losing our other two boys. I was hoping it would fill that void that was left and numb the ache I felt to hold Gunnar and Ruger. For about the first 6 months of this pregnancy I was on cloud nine and with every hurdle we cleared I became more and more excited. Now that I've had time to come back to reality, I'm realizing that I still ache to hold Gunnar and Ruger (and yes it is a physical ache). Leaving the hospital both times without my babies was the worst feeling. My arms ached to hold my boys.
Even though I still miss my boys and ache to hold them, being pregnant with this little one has helped to dull that ache. He has given me something to look forward to. I look forward to holding him and kissing him and smelling him. I look forward to watching him grow and helping him learn...He has been my light at the end of the tunnel.
I love all of my kids so much! I'm so grateful to be able to say that I have an eternal family and I will get a chance to raise Gunnar and Ruger during the millennium if I live my life right. It gives me something positive to work on!
Monday, February 28, 2011
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
You are right on the nose about this! You are now an eternal family and even tho on earth it may seem like forever to hold those little ones again...it will be just like a wink on the other side! The boys are rooting for you and your family and this new little one to be happy! Glad that you aren't forgetting about them, but moving on and living your life to its fullest with the ones you have here. You are a great mother and wife and FRIEND. I love your guts dear!! LOVE EM ALL!
hey doll, just wanted to tell you i know how you feel, the ache and the longing is still there to have all of our babies with us. it makes the moments that we have so precious and the desire to live righteously stronger. Love ya girl, hope all is well with you
Post a Comment