Christmas

We had a great Christmas this year. Eric's family sent a ton of gifts and of course about 95% of them were Rohbi's. She was so excited and loved everything she got. Almost every day she would ask me if she could "organize" the presents. I know that it was to see which ones were for her so she could have quick access to them. Christmas morning my parents came over and the plan was to start opening gifts at 7:30 am and then have a nice breakfast afterward. I got up at 7 so I could be there when Rohbi got up so she couldn't get into the presents without us being there. I waited and waited and waited. No one woke up. 7:30 came and went...7:45...finally at 7:50 my parents showed up and I told them that Rohbi and Eric were a bunch of poops because I was the only one up!

I went and woke Rohbi and Eric up...

and then we waited for Eric to drag his lazy butt out of bed...
Finally he came out and Rohbi (anxiously waiting) could finally start opening presents.

We headed down to Preston for Christmas lunch with my family and then exchanging gifts. This year we decided to do a homemade gift exchange. It was kind of stressful and at times I didn't know if I would finish the gifts in time but it was a lot of fun and the finished product didn't turn out too bad either :) I also made something for the two kids that I watch. I didn't take a picture of the hat I made for Cooper but I made Bailee a cute little purse and thought it turned out really cute so I just had to brag real quick :)

Our visit to the boys' grave

This year we decided to put up a tree on the boys' grave. Hopefully this well become a yearly thing. It was a lot of fun and the boys needed a tree too :)

Eric and Rohbi didn't like that there were graves that didn't have anything on them. Rohbi thought it was because their families didn't love them. It really bothered her. So she and Eric went around and put some of the ornaments we brought on the headstones that didn't have anything on them.

The boys' cute little neighbor. Eric told the boys not to fight over her :)
Some of the graves they decorated.

The tree after it was done. Please don't judge it by the way it looks. It was decorated with love :)

Rohbi wanted to build a little snowman for the boys. After I accidentally stepped on the first two she made, she decided to just hurry and build one for both of them.

We had a really fun day decorating the grave. It sounds weird but that is all we have left of them and want it to stay kept up and looking nice. We also wanted to put something fun on there kind like we are in a way including them in our Christmas celebration. It was really hard for me to leave them when it was time to go.

Finding ways to cope

This post is more for my sake than anything else so if you don't want to read it, I'm totally fine with that.

This time of year is so hard for me. Potato harvest is hard for me because we lost Gunnar during potato harvest and then we lost Ruger 13 months later. It's hard to face the holidays knowing I don't have my two boys to celebrate them with. I'm not discounting the fact that we're so blessed to have Rohbi because I don't know what I would do without her. I found after losing Gunnar that it was easier to get through Christmas by acknowledging him. I went out and bought him and Rohbi both an ornament. I also bought another stocking to put up for him. Even though he wasn't there, it helped a lot to remember him and include him. Since we now have a grave to go to, we have decided to put a tree up at the grave and decorate it. I also bought ornaments for all three kids and another stocking for Ruger. Rohbi asked if she could hang up Gunnar and Ruger's ornaments after she hung up hers. She was so excited to hang them up for her little brothers. She's also excited to be able to go to the cemetery and decorate the grave.

For me, being able to talk about my boys and about my emotions helps me so much. I have a couple of family members and friends who have gone through losses of their own and just being able to talk to them and know that my emotions are normal has helped. Even thought it probably hurt for them to talk about their losses, they have been so patient with me and have let me vent and let my emotions out.

I am so blessed to have such a great family support and great friends who have been there for me. I can't express enough how much that has meant to me. I have a strong husband and daughter who have been my rock. They are hurting as much as I am but have stayed strong.

I know there is a reason for everything. I know that the Lord doesn't give us more than we can handle. I know that some day I will find out why I had to go through this. It's just trying to find the patience until then :)

Time to catch up again

I was so caught up in the drama we've had recently that I completely forgot to post pictures of Rohbi on Halloween.

We had Ruger so early on Halloween morning that they discharged us that afternoon. Even though we were going through a rough time, we knew we couldn't disappoint Rohbi more than we had. We missed going to her Halloween carnival because we were admitted to Labor and Delivery that day and didn't have the baby until 2 days later. I felt so guilty for missing it and wished we could have been there. Luckily I have a wonderful family and one of my sisters took time out of her busy schedule and drove her kids up here and took Rohbi to the carnival. That night we headed up to Soda to the Trunk or Treat there. We went over to my parents' house after that so that they could see Rohbi in her costume and visited for a few minutes and then headed home. We had been in the hospital almost 40 hours before I ended up having Ruger and I hadn't slept more than maybe an hour total up to that point because of nurses coming in, machines going off because my blood pressure was too low, etc. Once I got out of surgery, I was able to get a few hours of sleep before they woke me up for breakfast or something (I really can't remember). By the time we got done with the Trunk or Treat and visiting with my parents, I was exhausted so we headed home and called it a night.

I'm so behind in posting. I feel bad. For Thanksgiving, Eric and I decided at the last minute to head to Boise to spend Thanksgiving with his family. It's the first time in about 15 years that the whole family has been together for the holiday so it was time. It was the first time I wasn't with my side of the family for a holiday but I'm so glad we went up there. We had a great time! I'm such an idiot and didn't take any pictures! We hadn't had the chance to meet Brandon and Jessie's little boy who is almost one and we were so excited to see him. He's such a cutie and we wished we could have spent more time with him and Brandon and Jessie. We don't get to see them enough! We had a wonderful dinner. The kids had a hay day playing from morning until night. Eric's sister, Shelly, asked me if I wanted to go shopping with her on Black Friday and even though I swore I would never go again, I knew I had shopping to get done. I'm so glad I went with her. Even though it was so crazy, I had so much fun being able to spend time with her! After we went shopping, Eric decided to take Shelly and I on a date to go see the new Twilight movie "New Moon". It was so good! It was such a fun weekend and it was great to see my in-laws again. We don't get enough time to spend with them.

Poems I read at the memorial

I'll Be There
Daddy, please don't look so sad,
Mama please don't cry
Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus
and He sings me lullabies.
Please try not to question God,
Don't think He is unkind.
Don't think he sent me to you,
and then He changed His mind.
You see, I am a special child,
and I'm needed up above.
I'm the special gift you gave Him,
the product of your love.
I'll always be there with you
and watch the sky at night,
Find the brightest star that's gleaming,
that's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost,
that mists your window pane.
That's me in the summer showers,
I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a little breeze,
from a gentle wind that blows
That's me, I'll be there,
planting a kiss on your nose.
When you see a child playing,
and your heart feels a little tug,
That's me, I'll be there giving your heart a hug.
So Daddy, please don't look so sad,
Mama don't you cry.
I'm in the arms of Jesus and He sings me lullabies





I thought of you and closed my eyes,
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother,
And I know I heard him say:
A mother has a baby,
This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother,
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied,
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there’s no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish that I could show you,
What your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile,
With other children who say:
We go to earth and learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much,
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are Ok.
Your babies are here in My home,
They'll be at heavens gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day,
And you'll know that you're the best one!

The Memorial

So tiny...

This smile can make any sad person happy. Cloe and Cambree were there also. They've all helped heal my heart through both losses.

Two wonderful men...

The memorial was short but sweet. I'm so glad that we have a place to go now to visit both of our boys. We have had so much support and so many people have showed their concern. We both have such wonderful families and friends and we are so lucky to have them. The drive to Logan was one of the longest drives I have ever had to make in my life. I don't think anyone can be ready to plan a funeral for anyone. Thanks to Eric for making all the arrangements, everything got done. I don't know what I would do without him. He has been such a strength and support for me. Rohbi is a strong little girl and has also been a strength for me.

A little update...

I figured I'd better update you guys a little bit on what is going on. We went in on Thursday for our ultrasound. We went in for the ultrasound and were told that there was a problem and he went to get our doctor. We found out that there was no heartbeat. We found out later that it was because the cord was wrapped around his neck and the cord by his belly button was twisted so bad that he was unable to get any nourishment. We found out after we delivered that we had another boy and we named him Ruger. We delivered him at 12:50 on October 31st. We will be having a memorial tomorrow and will do a double dedication for both him and Gunnar since we didn't have a normal burial for Gunnar. Anyway, we are struggling right now but we're getting through. We're just so blessed to have two very special spirits that we can call our children. We love them so much and know that we will be able to raise them when the time is right.

Do you think it will be a boy or a gilr?

We will be having our 20 week ultrasound on October 29th and we will be finding out if we're having a boy or a girl. I kind of have an idea of what it might be and I know what Eric and I want but I'm just curious to see what you guys think...Below is the link to a quiz I created because I couldn't get a poll put on my blog without part of it being cut off. I'll update you on the results of the quiz and what the ultrasound actually shows on the 29th.

http://www.quibblo.com/quiz/b0nueSA/Do-you-think-we-are-having-a-girl-or-a-boy

SURPRISE!!!!!

Make a pregnancy ticker

Our trip to Gunnar's grave

We went to visit Gunnar's grave on the 26th. Eric wanted to leave a little cop car on the grave and I knitted a pair of booties to put there. It was hard to visit but at the same time it was really healing. He is buried in Baby Land which is in the Logan Cemetery. A nurse bought a bunch of plots there and donated them to Share Parents so that parents who lose babies have a place to bury them.

This is the angel statue they put there

The back side of the statue

The car and booties we left for him.

Boys and their toys...

So Eric and I went on a date a couple of Saturdays ago. We went to visit Gunnar's grave. On the way through Preston, he makes a comment about stopping by one of the car dealerships to look at one of their vehicles. I said okay and didn't think much of it. Well as we came back through Preston, he stopped to take a look at it. He was so excited and went on and on about how awesome this thing is. Well, from the looks of it, it isn't that great, but okay I'll take your word for it. He decided to head down there the next time he worked just to ask about it. It just so happened he was in his cop outfit so I'm sure that helped a little bit ;) Anyway, the price was right and last week we walked away owners of a 1984 or 85 Cutvee (sp). It's an old military vehicle. I now present to you the Green Monster!


Drum roll please.......

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Isn't she purty? :)

To my baby boy

Dear Gunnar,
I can’t believe it’s already been a year since you blessed our lives and then left just as quickly. It doesn’t seem like that long ago that we found out that we were pregnant with you. When we saw that faint line, we were so excited! As the weeks moved on, I enjoyed every minute of the pregnancy and even though I was quite sick, I was just happy to be pregnant. When I hit 12 weeks, things changed. I started cramping pretty badly. When I hit my 17 week mark, I started bleeding. In between those two times, I had called the doctor, went into his office, and had two ultrasounds and every time, they told me that it was normal to experience a little cramping and that the bleeding was probably just implantation bleeding. We did, however, find out that you were a boy when we went in for the ultrasound at 17 weeks. We were both excited but I think your dad was about to fly through the roof! He was so excited to have his little boy! He had your name picked out for years! Things just progressively got worse from there. When I was about 20 weeks, I finally called and told the doctor’s office that they could call me a paranoid expectant mother all they wanted but I knew that something was wrong! The bleeding got worse and so did the cramping. They called and got me an appointment to have a thorough ultrasound done at the hospital. That was Tuesday, September 23rd. Dad was in Boise for some training so he wasn’t there but my mom decided to come with me. I guess it was mothers’ intuition and she knew that I might need her. She took off the rest of the day of work and we drove down to Logan to the hospital. They had a hard time seeing things when they did the ultrasound but I didn’t know it was a bad sign. I was excited to see you moving around. After what seemed to be forever, they finished up the ultrasound and sent me over to the doctors’ office. My doctor was out of town so I had to communicate with by phone. By the time I got to the office, the ultrasound tech had already called the doctor and informed him of what was going on. That was when my life turned upside down. When I got on the phone with the doctor, he told me that there was hardly any amniotic fluid around you and that there was quite a large tear in the placenta. He told me that at this point there was nothing we could do and that more than likely we would lose you. He sent me back over to the hospital for some blood work and told me to come back in two days, which was a Thursday. Dad and I were both crushed. He wouldn’t be home from training until really late Wednesday night/Thursday morning. By the time Dad got home, I was in so much pain and told him that I thought I was in labor. Finally by 1:30 am the pain had subsided quite a bit and I was able to get some sleep......(cont below.....)

To my baby boy, cont...

I was up by 4:30 am because I couldn’t sleep and was so scared of what we would find out at the doctors’ office. I had called my dad to see if he could come over before we left for Logan to see if he would give me a healing blessing. I was grasping at straws at this point and was hoping that in the blessing, he would tell me that everything would be okay. Instead, we were told that I would be okay and that was pretty much all we knew. I knew he couldn’t just tell us what we wanted to hear and at that point I knew what was going to happen but I was in denial. We got to the doctor’s office and the nurse put the Doppler on to hear your heartbeat. When I heard it, I broke down. The nurse stood there and cried with me. The doctor came in and checked me. He said that I was already dilated to a 2 and he could feel your foot. I guess my body was just going through the natural process of starting labor. We asked him what would happen because we knew you were still alive. There was nothing we could do. He sent us over to be admitted into the hospital and prepare for the worst day of our lives. After we got all the paperwork done and I was hooked up to all the machines, the nurses came in with some information on a group called Share Parents. They told us that if we wanted them to, they would come in and take pictures and put together a little memory box for us. We told them that we wanted them to do that. We were admitted just after 11 am and waited for hours. They didn’t want to push things and just wanted my body to take care of things. By 6:31 pm on September 25, 2008, you were born. You weighed 9.2 ounces and measured 9 ½ inches. They told us that you had passed away before you were born. My mom had come down to be with us and she was the first one to hold you. I hadn’t decided whether I wanted to hold you or not. The idea of death was so scary to me and I didn’t know if I wanted to remember you that way. Your dad didn’t want to and it wasn’t that he didn’t love you but he didn’t want to remember you that way either. He was hurting so bad. He left to get some dinner and just to get some air and try to clear his mind. During that time, the wonderful ladies from Share Parents came in and let me just see the pictures they had taken of you. They also had you there wrapped up just incase I decided to hold you. You were perfect. The ladies from Share said that it was quite obvious that you were a boy :) After seeing the pictures, I knew I had to hold you and spend some time with you. You looked so much like your daddy. I remember noticing the shape of your lips. When your cousin, Sammy, was born, he had your same lips :) The nurse was kind enough to sit in there with me while I held you. I just needed someone there with me. I didn’t want to be alone. When Dad got back from town, I kissed your cheek and wrapped you back up and let them take you. I was able to see you whenever I wanted so I knew I would get to see you again. I told your dad what you looked like and that you looked a lot like him. I think he knew that he needed closure too and needed to see you. Your dad’s a strong man and hardly ever shows emotion, but when he held you and saw you for the first time, he broke down. It was hard on both of us but he took things really hard. They gave me a sleeping pill so I could get some rest the night before we left. I guess some time during the night I was up wondering the halls. They had to take me back to my room. After a somewhat restless night in an uncomfortable hospital bed, they sent us home. I remember thinking that it was weird and very unfair to be going home without you in my arms. When we got home, we had to break the news to Rohbi. Having lost her dad a year prior, she took things really hard and asked why everyone around her died. It broke my heart. As the days dragged on, my arms ached to hold you. It’s not fair to carry a baby only to come home and have to deal with empty arms. Sweet baby boy, just know that there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about you. The pain hasn’t gone away but it’s gotten a little easier to deal with. We love you so much and miss you more than you can ever imagine.

Love,

Mom

I chose not to put any actual pictures of Gunnar up just because I don't want someone I don't know looking at him. It's too personal and sacred to me. If you would like to see more pictures of him, feel free to let me know and I would be happy to email them to you.

Time to play catch up!!

Okay so I haven't been on the stick and updated my blog for a couple of months so I decided I'd better catch up! The last couple of months have been extremely crazy and busy! With school starting in August, I've had to adjust to the early mornings (I'm so not a morning person). On top of that, I started watching two kids in the mornings to help their mom out so she could go back to school to finish up her degree. They've been a lot of fun! But to be quite honest, this month has been a little rough for me. We are coming up on the one year anniversary of when we lost Gunnar so I've struggled a little bit. Anyway, here is what we have been up to the last couple of months! CAUTION: THIS POST IS VERY PICTURE HEAVY!!!

In July, Eric's family had a huge family reunion at Riverdale that lasted almost a week. One of Eric's cousins owns Riverdale so they were nice enough to host it and cater it. Since they were having the reunion there, I decided to get Rohbi into swimming lessons that week. The reunion was a ton of fun and I enjoyed meeting some more of Eric's extended family and spending time with them! Rohbi enjoyed staying in Eric's parents camper and playing with her cousins. Rohbi enjoyed her swimming lessons and come to find out, Eric's cousin was Rohbi's swimming teacher. I was very impressed with her. Rohbi has been very scared of the water and putting her face in it and by the end of lessons, her teacher had her jumping into the water over her head and she was loving it!



Eric happens to share a birthday with his sister. They are exactly a year apart. This year, their birthdays happened to fall on the last day of the reunion. His parents decided to treat them to a day at Lagoon so after all the goodbyes, we headed down to Farmington. Well...since Eric is such a party pooper, he wasn't there to enjoy the fun. We had a ton of fun and appreciate his parents inviting us to come along!

Rohbi learned a few lessons along the way. I needed to head to the post office one day for some reason so as we were headed out the door, Rohbi decided to sneak up on our cat who happens to have very sharp claws and is very jumpy and was asleep. Let's just say that it wasn't a very pretty scene! I don't know if I've ever seen that much blood all at once except for maybe on TV. I know that facial and head wounds bleed a lot more than normal wounds but it was very bloody!!! She freaked out and I about puked! Anyway, she ended up with about a 1/2 inch gash on her temple. She was so scared to go into the doctor's office because she didn't want to get stitches. Once we got in there, the doctor took a look at the scratch and said that they would just glue it. Thank goodness for modern technology!



We've had a very busy couple of months and a lot has changed with us! We started looking for a house to buy and finally found one and put in an offer. It took a little longer than we had hoped but by the middle of August we finally finalized things and became "official homeowners"! We're excited and have enjoyed the new house even though we've had a few bumps. We've got a lot of work ahead of us on this house and it needs quite a few updates. We had to do quite a bit of work just to be able to move in. Once we moved in, we made a few changes and Eric has been working himself ragged trying to keep on top of plumbing leaks and leaks from the outside of the house in. Now that those things have slowed down, we've been able to enjoy the house a little bit more! By the way, I LOVE MY KITCHEN!!!! (just had to throw that in!) Eric put in a water softener and Rohbi has had a ball playing in the box!

In the second picture, she is trying to look scary but she just looks scared! :)

On August 19th, Rohbi started her first day of 1st grade! I can't believe she's that old! She's enjoying it. It's been an adjustment for her going all day but she has progressed so much and has learned a ton! It's fun to watch all she is learning as she brings home all her work that she has done at school. She has excelled in spelling and doing very well with her reading but she is struggling a little with math and paying attention to her work. It's all a learning curve and hopefully eventually it will come for her!






Doesn't she look so big?

Anyway, sorry it has been so long but hope you enjoyed seeing what we've been up to!