Our visit to the boys' grave

This year we decided to put up a tree on the boys' grave. Hopefully this well become a yearly thing. It was a lot of fun and the boys needed a tree too :)

Eric and Rohbi didn't like that there were graves that didn't have anything on them. Rohbi thought it was because their families didn't love them. It really bothered her. So she and Eric went around and put some of the ornaments we brought on the headstones that didn't have anything on them.

The boys' cute little neighbor. Eric told the boys not to fight over her :)
Some of the graves they decorated.

The tree after it was done. Please don't judge it by the way it looks. It was decorated with love :)

Rohbi wanted to build a little snowman for the boys. After I accidentally stepped on the first two she made, she decided to just hurry and build one for both of them.

We had a really fun day decorating the grave. It sounds weird but that is all we have left of them and want it to stay kept up and looking nice. We also wanted to put something fun on there kind like we are in a way including them in our Christmas celebration. It was really hard for me to leave them when it was time to go.

Finding ways to cope

This post is more for my sake than anything else so if you don't want to read it, I'm totally fine with that.

This time of year is so hard for me. Potato harvest is hard for me because we lost Gunnar during potato harvest and then we lost Ruger 13 months later. It's hard to face the holidays knowing I don't have my two boys to celebrate them with. I'm not discounting the fact that we're so blessed to have Rohbi because I don't know what I would do without her. I found after losing Gunnar that it was easier to get through Christmas by acknowledging him. I went out and bought him and Rohbi both an ornament. I also bought another stocking to put up for him. Even though he wasn't there, it helped a lot to remember him and include him. Since we now have a grave to go to, we have decided to put a tree up at the grave and decorate it. I also bought ornaments for all three kids and another stocking for Ruger. Rohbi asked if she could hang up Gunnar and Ruger's ornaments after she hung up hers. She was so excited to hang them up for her little brothers. She's also excited to be able to go to the cemetery and decorate the grave.

For me, being able to talk about my boys and about my emotions helps me so much. I have a couple of family members and friends who have gone through losses of their own and just being able to talk to them and know that my emotions are normal has helped. Even thought it probably hurt for them to talk about their losses, they have been so patient with me and have let me vent and let my emotions out.

I am so blessed to have such a great family support and great friends who have been there for me. I can't express enough how much that has meant to me. I have a strong husband and daughter who have been my rock. They are hurting as much as I am but have stayed strong.

I know there is a reason for everything. I know that the Lord doesn't give us more than we can handle. I know that some day I will find out why I had to go through this. It's just trying to find the patience until then :)

Time to catch up again

I was so caught up in the drama we've had recently that I completely forgot to post pictures of Rohbi on Halloween.

We had Ruger so early on Halloween morning that they discharged us that afternoon. Even though we were going through a rough time, we knew we couldn't disappoint Rohbi more than we had. We missed going to her Halloween carnival because we were admitted to Labor and Delivery that day and didn't have the baby until 2 days later. I felt so guilty for missing it and wished we could have been there. Luckily I have a wonderful family and one of my sisters took time out of her busy schedule and drove her kids up here and took Rohbi to the carnival. That night we headed up to Soda to the Trunk or Treat there. We went over to my parents' house after that so that they could see Rohbi in her costume and visited for a few minutes and then headed home. We had been in the hospital almost 40 hours before I ended up having Ruger and I hadn't slept more than maybe an hour total up to that point because of nurses coming in, machines going off because my blood pressure was too low, etc. Once I got out of surgery, I was able to get a few hours of sleep before they woke me up for breakfast or something (I really can't remember). By the time we got done with the Trunk or Treat and visiting with my parents, I was exhausted so we headed home and called it a night.

I'm so behind in posting. I feel bad. For Thanksgiving, Eric and I decided at the last minute to head to Boise to spend Thanksgiving with his family. It's the first time in about 15 years that the whole family has been together for the holiday so it was time. It was the first time I wasn't with my side of the family for a holiday but I'm so glad we went up there. We had a great time! I'm such an idiot and didn't take any pictures! We hadn't had the chance to meet Brandon and Jessie's little boy who is almost one and we were so excited to see him. He's such a cutie and we wished we could have spent more time with him and Brandon and Jessie. We don't get to see them enough! We had a wonderful dinner. The kids had a hay day playing from morning until night. Eric's sister, Shelly, asked me if I wanted to go shopping with her on Black Friday and even though I swore I would never go again, I knew I had shopping to get done. I'm so glad I went with her. Even though it was so crazy, I had so much fun being able to spend time with her! After we went shopping, Eric decided to take Shelly and I on a date to go see the new Twilight movie "New Moon". It was so good! It was such a fun weekend and it was great to see my in-laws again. We don't get enough time to spend with them.

Poems I read at the memorial

I'll Be There
Daddy, please don't look so sad,
Mama please don't cry
Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus
and He sings me lullabies.
Please try not to question God,
Don't think He is unkind.
Don't think he sent me to you,
and then He changed His mind.
You see, I am a special child,
and I'm needed up above.
I'm the special gift you gave Him,
the product of your love.
I'll always be there with you
and watch the sky at night,
Find the brightest star that's gleaming,
that's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost,
that mists your window pane.
That's me in the summer showers,
I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a little breeze,
from a gentle wind that blows
That's me, I'll be there,
planting a kiss on your nose.
When you see a child playing,
and your heart feels a little tug,
That's me, I'll be there giving your heart a hug.
So Daddy, please don't look so sad,
Mama don't you cry.
I'm in the arms of Jesus and He sings me lullabies





I thought of you and closed my eyes,
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother,
And I know I heard him say:
A mother has a baby,
This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother,
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied,
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there’s no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish that I could show you,
What your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile,
With other children who say:
We go to earth and learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much,
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are Ok.
Your babies are here in My home,
They'll be at heavens gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day,
And you'll know that you're the best one!

The Memorial

So tiny...

This smile can make any sad person happy. Cloe and Cambree were there also. They've all helped heal my heart through both losses.

Two wonderful men...

The memorial was short but sweet. I'm so glad that we have a place to go now to visit both of our boys. We have had so much support and so many people have showed their concern. We both have such wonderful families and friends and we are so lucky to have them. The drive to Logan was one of the longest drives I have ever had to make in my life. I don't think anyone can be ready to plan a funeral for anyone. Thanks to Eric for making all the arrangements, everything got done. I don't know what I would do without him. He has been such a strength and support for me. Rohbi is a strong little girl and has also been a strength for me.

A little update...

I figured I'd better update you guys a little bit on what is going on. We went in on Thursday for our ultrasound. We went in for the ultrasound and were told that there was a problem and he went to get our doctor. We found out that there was no heartbeat. We found out later that it was because the cord was wrapped around his neck and the cord by his belly button was twisted so bad that he was unable to get any nourishment. We found out after we delivered that we had another boy and we named him Ruger. We delivered him at 12:50 on October 31st. We will be having a memorial tomorrow and will do a double dedication for both him and Gunnar since we didn't have a normal burial for Gunnar. Anyway, we are struggling right now but we're getting through. We're just so blessed to have two very special spirits that we can call our children. We love them so much and know that we will be able to raise them when the time is right.

Do you think it will be a boy or a gilr?

We will be having our 20 week ultrasound on October 29th and we will be finding out if we're having a boy or a girl. I kind of have an idea of what it might be and I know what Eric and I want but I'm just curious to see what you guys think...Below is the link to a quiz I created because I couldn't get a poll put on my blog without part of it being cut off. I'll update you on the results of the quiz and what the ultrasound actually shows on the 29th.

http://www.quibblo.com/quiz/b0nueSA/Do-you-think-we-are-having-a-girl-or-a-boy