Valentines Day

Okay so I know this is a little late but better late than never right? :) Sunday morning I was trying to sleep in because I didn't get much sleep the night before. I got a knock at the door. It was Rohbi and I grumpily asked what she wanted. This sweet little voice comes back that she had made me breakfast in bed and wanted to give it to me. I felt really bad for getting after her after that so I opened the door and there she stood with this cookie sheet...


with this note on it...
There were soggy Rice Crispies that had sat there too long obviously because she was waiting for me to wake up, a roll, cookie, candy and a glass of water. You could tell she had put a lot of thought into it. What a sweetheart!

I came out and these were sitting on the table waiting for me...


I have the best family!

It's Time To Give Back

When we lost Gunnar, it was such a shock, but at the same time, it wasn't because we were warned a couple of days before hand that we could lose him. About 4 months later, I felt ready and wanted to give back to Share Parents because they had given us so much. I asked what it would take to be able to help them and she said that to be able to take care of the babies, I would need a little more distance from my loss before I could do that. The last thing a parent who just lost their baby needs is a stranger falling apart in front of them. So that option was out even though I felt like I could. Right around that time, I learned how to knit and decided that I would make the little gowns, hats, booties, and blankets. I was still a beginner knitter so I knew it would be a while before I would be able to do that. I continued to knit and develop those skills. When we lost Ruger, it was even more of a shock. It was something totally unexpected. I didn't think I would be able to get through a second loss. Thanks to an amazing doctor who was willing to step outside of his job and give two strangers a priesthood blessing (along with prayers and support of our loved ones), I believe we made it through as good, if not better than can be expected. My heart still hurts and I still have some down days and that is something that is ongoing. I'm the type who will play the "poor me" card for quite a while if I can get away with it. I realized a long time ago that it doesn't help my depression one bit to do that and I have a family to take care of. Soooo.....I decided to step outside of myself and take a step toward my healing. After searching on the Internet, I found several sites that had patterns of gowns, booties, hats, etc. for premature babies of all sizes and also for full term stillborns. They are sites where you can get the patterns and then donate what you make to hospitals. I was so excited! I decided to push myself and try these patterns and realized how easy it was to make these things! Anyway, enough of my rambling. I've made a few of each of these things. I even found patterns small enough that they would have fit both Gunnar and Ruger! I made some bigger burial gowns but am working on the smaller ones. These are just a start of what I will be making:

The first burial gown I made

This is an angel pouch. They come in several different sizes for babies of all sizes.

These hats are quite a bit smaller than they look. They would probably fit a 3-5 pounder.
This one is my favorite! It is a beautiful pattern!

Share Parents gave us something that we can never get back. They took pictures of our beautiful little boys. Without those, I honestly don't know if I would be able to remember what they looked like. They also gave us every article of clothing that the boys wore, little tape measures that were marked for how long the boys were, little teddy bears, tiny little baby rings, etc. and all this stuff was put in a memory box. These women are on call any time day or night so when we lost Ruger one of the ladies were called in around 1 am. They've all been in a similar situation and are giving back. It just helped so much in our healing to have a little something to remind us of our babies.

If anyone is interested in helping out, I found patterns that you can knit, crochet, and sew so let me know. You can contact me at idamberl@hotmail.com and I will forward the website addresses to you. I will also give you the info where you can send the stuff. It would be to Share Parents of Logan but if you would rather send them to a different hospital, I can help you figure out where to send them. I also know that they could use all the donations (money) they could get so if you are interested and would like to do that in addition to or instead of making things, let me know and I can get you that info. They whole point of this post was just to update you on what I've been up to and to include you in my healing process and not to recruit so please don't feel obligated to help out. It's just if you are interested.

Two Left Feet

This year we decided to get Rohbi signed up for dance lessons and she also had the opportunity to sign up for a mini cheer camp. This is the first year she has participated in either one. She has loved doing it even though she has no rhythm and two left feet :) She tries and that's all that matters. She performed in the cheer camp at half time at a girls home basket ball game. The cheer camp was the day before and I had been sick for a couple of days. Half way through the cheer camp she called and said she was sick so she didn't learn the dance. She performed the dance anyway and really you would be able to tell the difference because she was right on step with the other girls! I didn't get any video because we are 10 years behind on technology and are probably one of the only people without a video camera.












A couple of weeks later she performed at the dance extravaganza. Her Grandma and Grandpa Gould came and she was so excited! She said that she was nervous but she did really well! I decided to do something fun with her hair and it turned out really cute so I had to show it off :) It took me an hour but it was fun!

Christmas

We had a great Christmas this year. Eric's family sent a ton of gifts and of course about 95% of them were Rohbi's. She was so excited and loved everything she got. Almost every day she would ask me if she could "organize" the presents. I know that it was to see which ones were for her so she could have quick access to them. Christmas morning my parents came over and the plan was to start opening gifts at 7:30 am and then have a nice breakfast afterward. I got up at 7 so I could be there when Rohbi got up so she couldn't get into the presents without us being there. I waited and waited and waited. No one woke up. 7:30 came and went...7:45...finally at 7:50 my parents showed up and I told them that Rohbi and Eric were a bunch of poops because I was the only one up!

I went and woke Rohbi and Eric up...

and then we waited for Eric to drag his lazy butt out of bed...
Finally he came out and Rohbi (anxiously waiting) could finally start opening presents.

We headed down to Preston for Christmas lunch with my family and then exchanging gifts. This year we decided to do a homemade gift exchange. It was kind of stressful and at times I didn't know if I would finish the gifts in time but it was a lot of fun and the finished product didn't turn out too bad either :) I also made something for the two kids that I watch. I didn't take a picture of the hat I made for Cooper but I made Bailee a cute little purse and thought it turned out really cute so I just had to brag real quick :)

Our visit to the boys' grave

This year we decided to put up a tree on the boys' grave. Hopefully this well become a yearly thing. It was a lot of fun and the boys needed a tree too :)

Eric and Rohbi didn't like that there were graves that didn't have anything on them. Rohbi thought it was because their families didn't love them. It really bothered her. So she and Eric went around and put some of the ornaments we brought on the headstones that didn't have anything on them.

The boys' cute little neighbor. Eric told the boys not to fight over her :)
Some of the graves they decorated.

The tree after it was done. Please don't judge it by the way it looks. It was decorated with love :)

Rohbi wanted to build a little snowman for the boys. After I accidentally stepped on the first two she made, she decided to just hurry and build one for both of them.

We had a really fun day decorating the grave. It sounds weird but that is all we have left of them and want it to stay kept up and looking nice. We also wanted to put something fun on there kind like we are in a way including them in our Christmas celebration. It was really hard for me to leave them when it was time to go.

Finding ways to cope

This post is more for my sake than anything else so if you don't want to read it, I'm totally fine with that.

This time of year is so hard for me. Potato harvest is hard for me because we lost Gunnar during potato harvest and then we lost Ruger 13 months later. It's hard to face the holidays knowing I don't have my two boys to celebrate them with. I'm not discounting the fact that we're so blessed to have Rohbi because I don't know what I would do without her. I found after losing Gunnar that it was easier to get through Christmas by acknowledging him. I went out and bought him and Rohbi both an ornament. I also bought another stocking to put up for him. Even though he wasn't there, it helped a lot to remember him and include him. Since we now have a grave to go to, we have decided to put a tree up at the grave and decorate it. I also bought ornaments for all three kids and another stocking for Ruger. Rohbi asked if she could hang up Gunnar and Ruger's ornaments after she hung up hers. She was so excited to hang them up for her little brothers. She's also excited to be able to go to the cemetery and decorate the grave.

For me, being able to talk about my boys and about my emotions helps me so much. I have a couple of family members and friends who have gone through losses of their own and just being able to talk to them and know that my emotions are normal has helped. Even thought it probably hurt for them to talk about their losses, they have been so patient with me and have let me vent and let my emotions out.

I am so blessed to have such a great family support and great friends who have been there for me. I can't express enough how much that has meant to me. I have a strong husband and daughter who have been my rock. They are hurting as much as I am but have stayed strong.

I know there is a reason for everything. I know that the Lord doesn't give us more than we can handle. I know that some day I will find out why I had to go through this. It's just trying to find the patience until then :)

Time to catch up again

I was so caught up in the drama we've had recently that I completely forgot to post pictures of Rohbi on Halloween.

We had Ruger so early on Halloween morning that they discharged us that afternoon. Even though we were going through a rough time, we knew we couldn't disappoint Rohbi more than we had. We missed going to her Halloween carnival because we were admitted to Labor and Delivery that day and didn't have the baby until 2 days later. I felt so guilty for missing it and wished we could have been there. Luckily I have a wonderful family and one of my sisters took time out of her busy schedule and drove her kids up here and took Rohbi to the carnival. That night we headed up to Soda to the Trunk or Treat there. We went over to my parents' house after that so that they could see Rohbi in her costume and visited for a few minutes and then headed home. We had been in the hospital almost 40 hours before I ended up having Ruger and I hadn't slept more than maybe an hour total up to that point because of nurses coming in, machines going off because my blood pressure was too low, etc. Once I got out of surgery, I was able to get a few hours of sleep before they woke me up for breakfast or something (I really can't remember). By the time we got done with the Trunk or Treat and visiting with my parents, I was exhausted so we headed home and called it a night.

I'm so behind in posting. I feel bad. For Thanksgiving, Eric and I decided at the last minute to head to Boise to spend Thanksgiving with his family. It's the first time in about 15 years that the whole family has been together for the holiday so it was time. It was the first time I wasn't with my side of the family for a holiday but I'm so glad we went up there. We had a great time! I'm such an idiot and didn't take any pictures! We hadn't had the chance to meet Brandon and Jessie's little boy who is almost one and we were so excited to see him. He's such a cutie and we wished we could have spent more time with him and Brandon and Jessie. We don't get to see them enough! We had a wonderful dinner. The kids had a hay day playing from morning until night. Eric's sister, Shelly, asked me if I wanted to go shopping with her on Black Friday and even though I swore I would never go again, I knew I had shopping to get done. I'm so glad I went with her. Even though it was so crazy, I had so much fun being able to spend time with her! After we went shopping, Eric decided to take Shelly and I on a date to go see the new Twilight movie "New Moon". It was so good! It was such a fun weekend and it was great to see my in-laws again. We don't get enough time to spend with them.