Happy Birthday Ruger (part 2)

We were given the option to head home and get things situated at home and come back the next day or just head straight up to L&D and get induced that day. We chose to go in that day. There was no way I could have made it through having to go home and come back the next day. It was more than I could handle. Rohbi had a Halloween carnival that night and we knew we were going to miss it. We were so upset because we had promised her we would go as a family. Once we got up to the room and situated (me hooked up to an IV and pumped full of meds, an epidural put in, and the induction meds started), your dad made the dreaded phone calls. That’s always the hardest part. After he got off the phone with my mom, she made arrangements with my sister, Andrea, to take Rohbi to the carnival. She already had her hands full with her four kids (one set of twins) but we were so thankful that she was so willing to help and make things seem normal for Rohbi. We had decided to have an amniocentesis done to see if they could determine why this kept happening. They hooked me up to another ultrasound machine and stuck a needle into my stomach and into the amniotic sack. I don’t handle needles well at all and I don’t think I breathed at all during the procedure. Right away the doctor could tell that things weren’t quite right just by the color of the amniotic fluid. The epidural didn’t work very well and I felt almost everything. Gradually the labor got worse. I didn’t get very much sleep because the blood pressure monitor alarm kept going off every 30 minutes when it took my blood pressure because my blood pressure was way too low. It took almost two days for things to progress fully. By early Saturday morning, I had them take the epidural out because it was hurting my back really bad and it wasn’t working at all. Just before 12:55 Saturday morning, my water broke and I delivered you shortly after that at 12:55 am. I bled a lot and because I didn’t have the epidural in anymore, they had to take me into surgery to put me under for a D&C and a blood transfusion. When they put me under for the D&C, they had to put a tube down my throat. I remember waking up from surgery and my throat hurt so badly. I was so groggy and out of it but I remember all I wanted was your dad. I needed him. Finally he came in and among all the confusion, I finally felt safe. I didn’t find out before they put me under whether we had a boy or girl so when he came in I found out we had another boy! We had your name picked out way before you were born so as soon as you came out and your dad saw you were a boy, he named you Ruger. After I came out of recovery and finished with the blood transfusion, I was able to hold you. You were a little underdeveloped but you were perfect.

We decided that we would have a funeral this time and that we would put your name and Gunnar's name on the headstone so we had one place to visit both of you. Your dad made all the arrangements. I don't think I could have done it and I appreciate him so much for taking care of that. We had a small grave side service with family and friends. The drive to Logan to finish up all the details was the hardest, longest, and worst drive to Logan I have ever had. I dreaded your funeral so much. My heart ached knowing that we would be burying you instead of having you safe and happy at home. You are in the perfect place though. I love to go to Baby Land to visit you and your brother. It's such a peaceful place! Grandpa Bates said the opening prayer, Bishop Simonson conducted the service, I read a couple of poems, and Grandpa Larson dedicated the grave. It was a very short service but it was just fine.

It broke my heart that you left us so soon but you were so perfect and Heavenly Father needed you with him more than he needed you on Earth. We miss you so much! I'm getting to the point where I'm coping better with losing you but there are times where I miss you and your brother so much and ache to hold you. I love you so much baby boy! Take care of your big brother and this new little brother or sister that I am carrying.

Love,
Mom