To my baby boy

Dear Gunnar,
I can’t believe it’s already been a year since you blessed our lives and then left just as quickly. It doesn’t seem like that long ago that we found out that we were pregnant with you. When we saw that faint line, we were so excited! As the weeks moved on, I enjoyed every minute of the pregnancy and even though I was quite sick, I was just happy to be pregnant. When I hit 12 weeks, things changed. I started cramping pretty badly. When I hit my 17 week mark, I started bleeding. In between those two times, I had called the doctor, went into his office, and had two ultrasounds and every time, they told me that it was normal to experience a little cramping and that the bleeding was probably just implantation bleeding. We did, however, find out that you were a boy when we went in for the ultrasound at 17 weeks. We were both excited but I think your dad was about to fly through the roof! He was so excited to have his little boy! He had your name picked out for years! Things just progressively got worse from there. When I was about 20 weeks, I finally called and told the doctor’s office that they could call me a paranoid expectant mother all they wanted but I knew that something was wrong! The bleeding got worse and so did the cramping. They called and got me an appointment to have a thorough ultrasound done at the hospital. That was Tuesday, September 23rd. Dad was in Boise for some training so he wasn’t there but my mom decided to come with me. I guess it was mothers’ intuition and she knew that I might need her. She took off the rest of the day of work and we drove down to Logan to the hospital. They had a hard time seeing things when they did the ultrasound but I didn’t know it was a bad sign. I was excited to see you moving around. After what seemed to be forever, they finished up the ultrasound and sent me over to the doctors’ office. My doctor was out of town so I had to communicate with by phone. By the time I got to the office, the ultrasound tech had already called the doctor and informed him of what was going on. That was when my life turned upside down. When I got on the phone with the doctor, he told me that there was hardly any amniotic fluid around you and that there was quite a large tear in the placenta. He told me that at this point there was nothing we could do and that more than likely we would lose you. He sent me back over to the hospital for some blood work and told me to come back in two days, which was a Thursday. Dad and I were both crushed. He wouldn’t be home from training until really late Wednesday night/Thursday morning. By the time Dad got home, I was in so much pain and told him that I thought I was in labor. Finally by 1:30 am the pain had subsided quite a bit and I was able to get some sleep......(cont below.....)