To my baby boy, cont...

I was up by 4:30 am because I couldn’t sleep and was so scared of what we would find out at the doctors’ office. I had called my dad to see if he could come over before we left for Logan to see if he would give me a healing blessing. I was grasping at straws at this point and was hoping that in the blessing, he would tell me that everything would be okay. Instead, we were told that I would be okay and that was pretty much all we knew. I knew he couldn’t just tell us what we wanted to hear and at that point I knew what was going to happen but I was in denial. We got to the doctor’s office and the nurse put the Doppler on to hear your heartbeat. When I heard it, I broke down. The nurse stood there and cried with me. The doctor came in and checked me. He said that I was already dilated to a 2 and he could feel your foot. I guess my body was just going through the natural process of starting labor. We asked him what would happen because we knew you were still alive. There was nothing we could do. He sent us over to be admitted into the hospital and prepare for the worst day of our lives. After we got all the paperwork done and I was hooked up to all the machines, the nurses came in with some information on a group called Share Parents. They told us that if we wanted them to, they would come in and take pictures and put together a little memory box for us. We told them that we wanted them to do that. We were admitted just after 11 am and waited for hours. They didn’t want to push things and just wanted my body to take care of things. By 6:31 pm on September 25, 2008, you were born. You weighed 9.2 ounces and measured 9 ½ inches. They told us that you had passed away before you were born. My mom had come down to be with us and she was the first one to hold you. I hadn’t decided whether I wanted to hold you or not. The idea of death was so scary to me and I didn’t know if I wanted to remember you that way. Your dad didn’t want to and it wasn’t that he didn’t love you but he didn’t want to remember you that way either. He was hurting so bad. He left to get some dinner and just to get some air and try to clear his mind. During that time, the wonderful ladies from Share Parents came in and let me just see the pictures they had taken of you. They also had you there wrapped up just incase I decided to hold you. You were perfect. The ladies from Share said that it was quite obvious that you were a boy :) After seeing the pictures, I knew I had to hold you and spend some time with you. You looked so much like your daddy. I remember noticing the shape of your lips. When your cousin, Sammy, was born, he had your same lips :) The nurse was kind enough to sit in there with me while I held you. I just needed someone there with me. I didn’t want to be alone. When Dad got back from town, I kissed your cheek and wrapped you back up and let them take you. I was able to see you whenever I wanted so I knew I would get to see you again. I told your dad what you looked like and that you looked a lot like him. I think he knew that he needed closure too and needed to see you. Your dad’s a strong man and hardly ever shows emotion, but when he held you and saw you for the first time, he broke down. It was hard on both of us but he took things really hard. They gave me a sleeping pill so I could get some rest the night before we left. I guess some time during the night I was up wondering the halls. They had to take me back to my room. After a somewhat restless night in an uncomfortable hospital bed, they sent us home. I remember thinking that it was weird and very unfair to be going home without you in my arms. When we got home, we had to break the news to Rohbi. Having lost her dad a year prior, she took things really hard and asked why everyone around her died. It broke my heart. As the days dragged on, my arms ached to hold you. It’s not fair to carry a baby only to come home and have to deal with empty arms. Sweet baby boy, just know that there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about you. The pain hasn’t gone away but it’s gotten a little easier to deal with. We love you so much and miss you more than you can ever imagine.

Love,

Mom

I chose not to put any actual pictures of Gunnar up just because I don't want someone I don't know looking at him. It's too personal and sacred to me. If you would like to see more pictures of him, feel free to let me know and I would be happy to email them to you.