We were given the option to head home and get things situated at home and come back the next day or just head straight up to L&D and get induced that day. We chose to go in that day. There was no way I could have made it through having to go home and come back the next day. It was more than I could handle. Rohbi had a Halloween carnival that night and we knew we were going to miss it. We were so upset because we had promised her we would go as a family. Once we got up to the room and situated (me hooked up to an IV and pumped full of meds, an epidural put in, and the induction meds started), your dad made the dreaded phone calls. That’s always the hardest part. After he got off the phone with my mom, she made arrangements with my sister, Andrea, to take Rohbi to the carnival. She already had her hands full with her four kids (one set of twins) but we were so thankful that she was so willing to help and make things seem normal for Rohbi. We had decided to have an amniocentesis done to see if they could determine why this kept happening. They hooked me up to another ultrasound machine and stuck a needle into my stomach and into the amniotic sack. I don’t handle needles well at all and I don’t think I breathed at all during the procedure. Right away the doctor could tell that things weren’t quite right just by the color of the amniotic fluid. The epidural didn’t work very well and I felt almost everything. Gradually the labor got worse. I didn’t get very much sleep because the blood pressure monitor alarm kept going off every 30 minutes when it took my blood pressure because my blood pressure was way too low. It took almost two days for things to progress fully. By early Saturday morning, I had them take the epidural out because it was hurting my back really bad and it wasn’t working at all. Just before 12:55 Saturday morning, my water broke and I delivered you shortly after that at 12:55 am. I bled a lot and because I didn’t have the epidural in anymore, they had to take me into surgery to put me under for a D&C and a blood transfusion. When they put me under for the D&C, they had to put a tube down my throat. I remember waking up from surgery and my throat hurt so badly. I was so groggy and out of it but I remember all I wanted was your dad. I needed him. Finally he came in and among all the confusion, I finally felt safe. I didn’t find out before they put me under whether we had a boy or girl so when he came in I found out we had another boy! We had your name picked out way before you were born so as soon as you came out and your dad saw you were a boy, he named you Ruger. After I came out of recovery and finished with the blood transfusion, I was able to hold you. You were a little underdeveloped but you were perfect.
We decided that we would have a funeral this time and that we would put your name and Gunnar's name on the headstone so we had one place to visit both of you. Your dad made all the arrangements. I don't think I could have done it and I appreciate him so much for taking care of that. We had a small grave side service with family and friends. The drive to Logan to finish up all the details was the hardest, longest, and worst drive to Logan I have ever had. I dreaded your funeral so much. My heart ached knowing that we would be burying you instead of having you safe and happy at home. You are in the perfect place though. I love to go to Baby Land to visit you and your brother. It's such a peaceful place! Grandpa Bates said the opening prayer, Bishop Simonson conducted the service, I read a couple of poems, and Grandpa Larson dedicated the grave. It was a very short service but it was just fine.
It broke my heart that you left us so soon but you were so perfect and Heavenly Father needed you with him more than he needed you on Earth. We miss you so much! I'm getting to the point where I'm coping better with losing you but there are times where I miss you and your brother so much and ache to hold you. I love you so much baby boy! Take care of your big brother and this new little brother or sister that I am carrying.
Love,
Mom
Monday, November 8, 2010
Happy Birthday Ruger! (part 1)
I'm a little slow at getting this up. We've had a pretty eventful few weeks. Ruger's birthday was October 31st but we were in Boise for Eric's grandpa's funeral. I haven't had a chance to get this letter posted until now. Between homeschooling, the funeral, and me being sick, things have been pretty crazy around our house! Anyway, this letter is more for my benefit than anyone else's so feel free to skip this post if you want to. I just needed to get these thoughts off my mind on onto "paper". Sorry in advance it is so long...
Dear Ruger,
My sweet baby boy...I can't believe it's been a year already. This time of year is the hardest for me because we lost your brother in September and then a year later, we got the news that we had lost you also.
When we found out that I was pregnant with you, we were so excited but at the same time, so scared. It was in July and I had been in Wyoming with Rohbi visiting some friends. I felt so nauseated the whole way home and for quite a while after we got home. I thought it was maybe car sickness or something because I was knitting with my head down while we were driving through a canyon with a lot of curves in the road. After a trip to the bathroom thinking I was going to puke, it dawned on me that I was late. So I took a pregnancy test and to my surprise it was positive! I was not expecting it at all! I wanted so badly to call your dad but he had just been called out on a really bad accident so I knew he wasn't going to be able to talk and I didn't want to tell him over the phone. I texted him and told him if I was asleep when he got home for dinner that he needed to wake me up. I needed to talk to him. He knew then what my news was going to be. As the pregnancy progressed, I was sick as usual but everything went so smoothly. We bought a house in August and I had fun getting things set up to make it a home. The move was a little stressful because I couldn't move anything heavy and you dad is too proud to call anyone to help so he moved a lot of the heavy stuff he could by himself and then I made a call for help. He's such a stubborn man.
My doctor's appointments went really well and I was so excited to hear your heartbeat for the first time. That was music to my ears! It came time for my 20 week checkup and that was the appointment that we would find out if you were a boy or a girl. We were so excited! We had just passed the point in the pregnancy where we felt safe. It was past the point where we had lost Gunnar. We thought we were home free. It was a Thursday and it was about 10 am. We were finally called in by the ultrasound tech and got situated in the little room. That's when things changed. The tech tried his hardest not to let us know that something was wrong. He continued joking and trying to keep things light. Then he got really quiet and I started paying more attention to what was going on on the screen. That's when I realized what was going on. Then the words I will never forget came out of his mouth. "Um, guys...I think we have a problem. Let me go get your doctor. I'll be right back." That "right back" seemed like hours when it was only about 5 minutes. I broke down and started freaking out. Your dad tried to keep me calm and told me that it may not be what I thought it was. Dr. Olsen came in and the first things out of his mouth were, "I'm so sorry you guys." Your dad asked him to check it again and put me on a heart monitor. They told him that the ultrasound was the best way to see what was going on. They told us that there was no heartbeat. I had been at odds with a family member and hadn't spoken to them in a few months. At that point, I was told that I needed to contact this person and make things right with them. They told us to take our time composing ourselves and then asked us to wait out in the waiting room until they called us back to figure out what we wanted to do next. I knew there was no way that I could go back out into the waiting room with all those pregnant women. Your dad went out and asked if we could be put into a room that wasn't being used. As they walked us back to another room, I remember all the looks of pity on all the faces of the nurses and office workers. I knew there was no way that I could make it through this struggle without a priesthood blessing. I felt prompted to ask Dr. Olsen if he was LDS and if he held the priesthood. If he was, I was going to ask him for a blessing. I didn't know Dr. Olsen very well so it was a little awkward but I did it anyway. When I asked him, he jumped at the chance without hesitation. He also gave your dad a blessing. The things Dr. Olsen said in those blessings...I know they came directly from our Heavenly Father. He didn't know anything about what he said. I know he was prompted to say them.
Dear Ruger,
My sweet baby boy...I can't believe it's been a year already. This time of year is the hardest for me because we lost your brother in September and then a year later, we got the news that we had lost you also.
When we found out that I was pregnant with you, we were so excited but at the same time, so scared. It was in July and I had been in Wyoming with Rohbi visiting some friends. I felt so nauseated the whole way home and for quite a while after we got home. I thought it was maybe car sickness or something because I was knitting with my head down while we were driving through a canyon with a lot of curves in the road. After a trip to the bathroom thinking I was going to puke, it dawned on me that I was late. So I took a pregnancy test and to my surprise it was positive! I was not expecting it at all! I wanted so badly to call your dad but he had just been called out on a really bad accident so I knew he wasn't going to be able to talk and I didn't want to tell him over the phone. I texted him and told him if I was asleep when he got home for dinner that he needed to wake me up. I needed to talk to him. He knew then what my news was going to be. As the pregnancy progressed, I was sick as usual but everything went so smoothly. We bought a house in August and I had fun getting things set up to make it a home. The move was a little stressful because I couldn't move anything heavy and you dad is too proud to call anyone to help so he moved a lot of the heavy stuff he could by himself and then I made a call for help. He's such a stubborn man.
My doctor's appointments went really well and I was so excited to hear your heartbeat for the first time. That was music to my ears! It came time for my 20 week checkup and that was the appointment that we would find out if you were a boy or a girl. We were so excited! We had just passed the point in the pregnancy where we felt safe. It was past the point where we had lost Gunnar. We thought we were home free. It was a Thursday and it was about 10 am. We were finally called in by the ultrasound tech and got situated in the little room. That's when things changed. The tech tried his hardest not to let us know that something was wrong. He continued joking and trying to keep things light. Then he got really quiet and I started paying more attention to what was going on on the screen. That's when I realized what was going on. Then the words I will never forget came out of his mouth. "Um, guys...I think we have a problem. Let me go get your doctor. I'll be right back." That "right back" seemed like hours when it was only about 5 minutes. I broke down and started freaking out. Your dad tried to keep me calm and told me that it may not be what I thought it was. Dr. Olsen came in and the first things out of his mouth were, "I'm so sorry you guys." Your dad asked him to check it again and put me on a heart monitor. They told him that the ultrasound was the best way to see what was going on. They told us that there was no heartbeat. I had been at odds with a family member and hadn't spoken to them in a few months. At that point, I was told that I needed to contact this person and make things right with them. They told us to take our time composing ourselves and then asked us to wait out in the waiting room until they called us back to figure out what we wanted to do next. I knew there was no way that I could go back out into the waiting room with all those pregnant women. Your dad went out and asked if we could be put into a room that wasn't being used. As they walked us back to another room, I remember all the looks of pity on all the faces of the nurses and office workers. I knew there was no way that I could make it through this struggle without a priesthood blessing. I felt prompted to ask Dr. Olsen if he was LDS and if he held the priesthood. If he was, I was going to ask him for a blessing. I didn't know Dr. Olsen very well so it was a little awkward but I did it anyway. When I asked him, he jumped at the chance without hesitation. He also gave your dad a blessing. The things Dr. Olsen said in those blessings...I know they came directly from our Heavenly Father. He didn't know anything about what he said. I know he was prompted to say them.
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